Insomnia

Well I am writing this at 1:30 in the morning because I can not sleep. My mind is racing with a million what if's? I am natural born worrier so I have tried to keep my mind off of the surgery part of the process for as long as I could but at last it caught up to me! I guess it being 18 days out kinda put a spark in the old worry! There is really not too much left for me to do but sit and wait, I have one more pre-op appointment next week and then I am all done till surgery day. I do have some loose ends I need to tie up but I am not sure where to start with those.

I am still debating who really needs to know I am doing this. I mean well I am sharing it with everyone who has the internet but that isn't the hard part. If you found this blog you where looking to know more about WLS. I just don't know if I feel like going through the process of telling everyone and them asking me 101 questions. When this all began I was gung-ho about telling everyone in my life, I had made up my mind and that was that! But unfortunately I had a couple bad responses to the news that set me back. Don't get me wrong they did not change my mind for one second about what I was doing but they did make me not want to tell anyone else. It took to much strength to stand up for my decision I felt that maybe it would have been better not telling anyone at all. So now that I have told My best friend and my family I am not sure I want to tell any one else. I am sick and tired of being judged for doing what is best for me.

On the other hand what if something does happen to me and I don't make it through surgery? I know how I have felt when I have lost friends suddenly. There is one friend in-particular that I still think about and miss every day and when you loose someone young so quick it is hard and you wish you would have been able to say goodbye. So now the questions is do I tell everyone incase something happens so they will have closure?

So many options so little time to decide. Maybe a letter will be good enough. But how do you write that kind of letter? I can imagine the start "If you are reading this I didn't live through surgery...." that is some heavy stuff right there! Not sure I could produce one of those at this point.

All of this runs through my mind when I lay down to sleep and I can't get it to go away, so that is what brings me to writing at 1:45 in the morning when I should be cuddled up dreaming.

Oh and don't forget I have to make out a 'Living Will' (I know the fun keeps on coming tonight!) I am a fairly smart girl but when it comes to things like that I might as well be a 2 year old. I don't know what to do, it over whelm's me, I just want someone else to make that decision for me! But I know I am 28 years old and have to make that decision on my own, no matter how hard it is. So this brings me to the faith issue. Am I ready to meet my maker? What do I really believe in? Should I be kept on life support? and if so how long and under what circumstances? What happens if I don't do a 'Living Will'? I think that might be kinda selfish to put that decision on my parents but who knows maybe they would make a better choice than me! Lord knows I have not had the best judgement so far in my life.

Wow this is turning into a novel, LOL, and these are just my pre-op worries! I will need a ton more space for my post-op concerns! I guess after wake up alive in the recovery room I will start writing the post-op issues, haha, I sure do hope I wake up alive!!! Not sure I could handle another death of a close friend (hardy har har). My best friend told me "You better not die on me or I will go to TN and kick your dead ass!" can you feel the love :-) I told her I would haunt her if I died, I always like to have the last laugh, hehehe.

I think it is time for me to try and get some rest again I have to be up for work in 3 hours, UGH, work is not going to be fun today! Thanks for letting me babble (like you had a choice) and feel free to offer up any advice, but be nice I am already teetering on the edge of insanity!

Much Love,
Zee